Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
fr
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Yes my dude
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
broke down and did it
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨