Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

They must have gotten it to go.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.