Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

ㅤ

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?