Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.