Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

☠️ ☠️

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

journal

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?