Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.