Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.