DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
You Might Also Like
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.