Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Wise advice
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Haha! 😂
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language