Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

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The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo