Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
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I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed