doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Called it
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
