She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?
Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
The eighth habit of highly effective people.