doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.