doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
But is it really??
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
