Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
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Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Every time my phone rings
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.