Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever