Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
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You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
You learn something every day
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I have two kinds of followers
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.