Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
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Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.