Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁