Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

Beware…..

A tragic love story in two pictures.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off