ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it’s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500