Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.

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[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet


We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.


Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)


Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?


If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it’s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.


I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning


Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”


HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too


You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500