Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Need WebMD
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I get distracted pretty eas
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.