Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Muppet Screams
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
The cashier just checked me out.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
me
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?