Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

This is so me 😂😂

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?