Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Just a bush.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”