Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
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I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Pat is about to own someone
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
