Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Time for evil
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: