Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf