Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

Canada has crack?

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee