Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.