doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
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Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
A Monday every week is excessive
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.