doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
At least he brought enough for everyone
📽️movie date🎞️
You’re never alone. Theres mold
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*