Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

Admin smashed it 😂

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

This is why I hate group projects

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.