Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*