[The mid 20s catch up]
“What are you drinking, who you seeing?”
[The midlife catchup]
“Who’s your therapist, what are you taking for it?”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”