Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons