Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”