Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

🤯🤯🤯

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

british sex workers really pound for pound

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”