@Dustinkcouch

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

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@junejuly12

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

@kingushbal

Tbh i wanna marry someone as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

@UncleDuke1969

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

@Hadzilla

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

@BillPelicanBros

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

@GrantTanaka

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

@kyle_thatisall

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

@GuyBreakup

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.