Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.
doctor: you need to eat healthy
doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died
me: oh my goodness
doctor: in a plane crash
me: that sounds unrelated
doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.
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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?