@Dustinkcouch

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

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@LittleMissAngr1

Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.

@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

@thatcarlygirl

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

@jimmy_sharpe

Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.

@truegritrumble

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

@avainwordland

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

@ericbove

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

@TheFearBoners

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?