what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
You Might Also Like
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
next question.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Realize this:
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”