DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
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If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Who’s your best friend?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
sometimes i miss this memes
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it