DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
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Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s