Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
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It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
A choir of Spring onions
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip