Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?