Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.