Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.