Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
looks legit
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms