Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
#SuperBowl
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.