Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

#catsoftwitter

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

I went from rags to one rag.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…