Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

umm…

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

but that was my emotional support daylight

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

I miss this era type of pranks😭