DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
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I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
this chia pet tastes awful
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
is he marrying that labradoodle
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I am yelling
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?