Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”