DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Autocorrect completely socks
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.