Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

it’s either covid or clever vampires

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.