Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

i think both sides are to blame here

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.