doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food