doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
damn he’s good
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
😂🐈⬛
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Ovenable?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs