doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
You Might Also Like
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.