Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done