Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

but that was my emotional support daylight

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

I only look at Wordle for the articles

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Yes 😂

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on