Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

I love art.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.