Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.