Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.