Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
man: wait
time: no
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel