Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

My boss called in sick of me

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them