DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
when unicorns get really drunk
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Tear gas is the saddest gas.