DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
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If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
She knows her part so well!
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]