DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
❤️❤️❤️
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
WHY would you be happy about this?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
