Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

spot the difference

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.