doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
jesus, what did this guy do
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“We will wed,” I threatened
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend: