Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

shut up and take my money

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am