Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

Dumplings,

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

Can’t. About to go please some beans

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.