Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

Mood.. 😂

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.