Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.