DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
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20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I stand by it
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
This was a bad idea all around
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what