DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
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my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
The symmetry is uncanny.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.