DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
men are simple creatures
marvel comics have peaked
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave