DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
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I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”