Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.